I'm sorry

Please don't be hurt because of me.
I know what a heartache is like and I would never wish that on you.
I'm sorry but I'm probably not the girl you think I am.
I'm too imperfect in too many ways. I'm neurotic, overly analytical, picky and afraid of basically everything.
Don't fall for who you think I am. I will probably fall short of that too.

You reminded me of me today. Utterly helpless, bare, naive. I know you had to say it. That's when I knew, I think, that there may really be such thing as too early.

I did it too. I stood there like you. Wishing I could do something about it. That if I wait long enough, somehow he'll see it, the future we could have shared together.

I'm sorry. I can't believe I'm doing this to you.

But I hoped it was him.
For a split second, I heard me pray.

So it is

Today I heard someone tell me "if you have a student council reason to be in this office, I will give you "off hour" access."

This is after the codes to the CSA office has been changed. Now it's only going to be the 6 governing council members and Presidents of each groups who can open the office door. I couldn't help but to feel that more and more the councils are losing the essence of what the group is suppose to be. No one is paid for this and it consumes unjustifiable amount of your time, energy and emotion. Yet you put up with the bureaucracy and put in those hours year after year. Knowing this, knowing what people have put into this organization, you can't tell me that this was a learning experience for us. We could not have done this just so we feel better about ourselves. You know all too well that this was not about education, developing your skills and making friends. Heck, I would probably have learned greater things and made different but just as precious friends if I had stopped being involved after I got my taste of it in second year. I could've easily left it when I lost presidency. Do not tell me that this is a great experience that taught me a lot of things. I lived, breathed and cried for this place because I loved it. And tell it to my face and the faces of people like Char, Amanda, Edward, Tiff, Monica, Eugene, Derek, Alethia, I mean tell it to the people you KNEW felt the same way I did about the school and CSA that if we're done our jobs and we don't need to come to the office at 5pm. When was this EVER work for any of us? When was the office like a place of employment for us? What are you trying to tell the next generation of Char's, Amanda's, Alethia's, Sach's, what the hell are you telling them? We are employing you to do all this hard work in exchange to develop your soft skills? But as soon as your constitutional duty is over, you can only come to your "home on campus" between 11 and 12, and 2-4? What kind of home tells you "You belong here. We appreciate all the hard work you've put into the family" and change the lock one day and say "aww but you don't have the code! why don't you call ahead so I will know to open the door for you next time?" CALL AHEAD?

I'm not being unreasonable. I'm not taking it too far and I'm not overanalyzing the situation. It's the spirit of what being in the community meant for a lot of us that's in question. What would you rather choose? A cleaner office or a room full of spirited people who just would not leave because their heart will never be ready for it?

How DARE you sit there and tell me that this is the bs that you don't like about being involved? I'M ginving YOU BULLSHIT? How fucking dare you tell me that I'm treating the room like my locker? How dare you tell me that these things are not what getting involved is all about? How fucking dare you? I've done what all of you have done already and I've done what you have done before that too. Please. If this is your way of fixing the problem, I'm telling you that this should not be it. It's too bad that someone may or may not steal something--which has not really happened in the years that we were in there, but you know, things can happen. Hey, I left a scarf in there and it got stolen and I blamed everyone else, cause it cannot have been my fault. We bought a safe to sit inside the locked cabinets but I'm sure that's not safe enough. I don't know how all the other people who share a common space do it. Just because this is the easiest way of solving it does not justify the wrong it is doing to the spirit of the community.

UGH Just because someone speaks with a heart does not make the statement unreasonable. I'm sure this will make great statements about how student council members are the ones running this organization and how they are important and just because they're not govening council, it really doens't mean much. Just titles after all. Way to say "thank you." I'm sure it'll trenscend very well. Very empowering.

1 vacation with a shot of vodka and 2/3 oz of sunshine please

I'm really busy these days. I wake up and think about the list of things I need to do still and throughout the day, I scramble to finish them, only to go to sleep with somehow even longer list at the end of the day..."Busy" doesn't even cut it anymore. I would have given some things up and taken it easier than this if it hadn't been for IMC where my pride is on the line. I went to school every day of the week and now I'm just soo tired that all I want to do is eat and sleep.

Then it got me thinking. Last year around this time, I may have been just as busy but I was still smiling walking down the street. Staying in the office till midnight working on CSA couldn't extinguish this weird satisfaction in my heart. Last year around this time, it had been about a month or two since I started seeing Ian. Nothing could get to me then. I was invincible. I had a spring in my walk and I think I had a certain bit of a glow. Looking back, it's more than obvious that I had a shield of obliviousness to the world due to this certain state of heart.

Now instead of bouncing it all back, I absorb a fair bit of what the world throws at me. Now things are more ex-post. More of a remedy. I suppose I can't always have the childlike bravery with me and I am inevitably going to have to take some blows. I wish I could shrug off some of the things that weighs on me. Then again, it dawns on me that I should be even more glad that I am able to eventually shake off what pulls me down with the help of people that love me. That even when my immune system fails on me, there are people to pull me back up. God to console me in my prayers, parents who over-worry for me, boyfriend to replenish the immune system with a hug, buddies to grab McDs and beer with, girlfriends to call about absolutely anything and everything...

Even writing this made me feel a bit stronger. Maybe now I can go hunt for some food and possibly cook it too. I'm not that strong or brave but I'm reminded that I always carry with me a case of extra-strength advil.

Procrastinator's Creed

• 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
• 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
• 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
• 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
• 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
• 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
• 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
• 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
• 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
• 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
• 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
• 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
• 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
• 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Shit happens

Funny stuff ; )